How childhood grief impacts you in adulthood: signs, effects, and healing
- Laura Fitzpatrick
- Mar 14
- 5 min read
In the UK, for every death it is believed approximately 9 people grieve, which means 26.8 million people have been bereaved in the UK in the last 5 years…. Yet grief remains a taboo!
Grief is a deeply personal and often misunderstood experience, especially when it happens in childhood. Losing a loved one, experiencing parental divorce, or facing other significant losses at a young age can leave a lasting emotional imprint.
From personal experiences of childhood grief, it changed who I was without even realising it, how I felt about myself and my belief about the world and my place in it. The pain and its impact are stored within you until it is allowed to be freed or can be held no longer. Childhood grief often speeds up the process of growing up, making you more aware of life’s fragility, it can lead to being more empathetic and emotionally aware but at the same time more guarded due to fear of further loss and pain. I learnt too soon that time doesn’t heal, it just teaches you how to carry the ache without spilling it.
Adults are often afraid to talk to children in case it upsets them, or often reluctant to show their own grief around children to appear strong and in control. Children learn how to grieve by copying the responses of others around them, showing your grief will encourage them to express theirs. Children may ‘puddle jump’ in and out of grief and this can be confusing for an adult because they think they are not bothered by the loss, so not talking about it can suppress it further for a child and make grief an even lonelier place.
Teenagers who experienced grief in childhood may find they need to re-process grief as they begin to understand the impact on their adult lives of the loss of that person, so it is no surprise grief can become harder to deal with in teenage years and may resurface at this point and again at key milestones in a person’s life.
It is important to note that everyone’s experience of grief is unique and every grief you experience will be different but below are some of the key ways, childhood grief can impact them into adulthood. Being more aware of the long-term impacts can help people to support children in their grief rather than hope a child is able just to ‘move on or shut it down.’
How childhood grief affects adult life
1. Fear of abandonment and relationship challenges
Children who experience a major loss may grow up with a deep-seated fear that people they love will leave them. Due to experiencing the death of a loved one at a young age, I was only too aware of how quickly life can disappear and this exemplified the fear of loss, particularly of my own children.
This fear can manifest in attachment issues or difficulty forming secure emotional bonds in romantic relationships. Clinginess or avoidance can develop, either becoming overly dependent on loved ones or pushing people away to avoid getting hurt. Trust issues are more prevalent with difficulty trusting others, fearing betrayal or loss.
2. Difficulty processing emotions
Children who were not given the tools or support to grieve properly may struggle with emotional regulation as adults. This can lead to them bottling up emotions, such as avoiding sadness, anger, or vulnerability, which then rears its head in adolescence or adulthood as they struggle to control it further. They may experience explosive reactions or outbursts of anger or frustration due to unresolved emotions. In order to cope they may develop a sense of numbness or detachment whereby they feel emotionally disconnected from others.
3. Perfectionism and over achievement
Some individuals cope with childhood loss by seeking control in other areas of life. This can result in perfectionism, a need to prove one’s worth or avoid failure. Almost a feeling you have to prove yourself to prove you are worthy of the life you have. This can often lead to workaholism whereby they work as a distraction from unresolved grief and a need to feel a sense of achievement. Often high functioning anxiety can occur, appearing successful on the outside while struggling internally.
4. Anxiety and depression
Unprocessed childhood grief can increase the risk of mental health challenges in adulthood, including chronic anxiety with a fear of future losses or creating worst-case scenarios in their mind causing a sense of overwhelm. They may experience a lingering sadness or feeling of emptiness that may not be linked to a specific event. PTSD-like symptoms may occur such as flashbacks or emotional triggers related to past loss. Or memories may be so well-hidden during childhood to protect yourself, you may struggle as an adult to recollect.
5. Self-sabotage and unhealthy coping mechanisms
Some adults unconsciously repeat patterns linked to childhood grief, such as self-sabotaging relationships and pushing people away due to fear of loss. Or portray avoidance behaviours, distracting themselves with work, social media, or other means to escape painful emotions. Some may turn to relief from alcohol or drugs to numb pain unless they manage to find healthier ways to cope with their intense emotions.
Healing from childhood grief as an adult
While the effects of childhood grief can be profound, healing is always possible. Here are some ways to process and move forward:
1. Recognise and validate your pain
Acknowledge that your childhood loss had a lasting impact. Many adults downplay their grief, thinking, “It happened a long time ago,” but unprocessed pain does not simply disappear.
2. Seek therapy or counselling
Therapists trained in grief counselling can help you:
· Process emotions that were suppressed in childhood.
· Identify unhealthy patterns linked to grief.
· Develop healthier coping strategies.
Charities such as Cruse, offer bereavement support and having worked as a bereavement support worker myself, I know this free service is invaluable to people to feel heard and supported in their grief. Charities such as Sue Ryder and Child Bereavement UK also offer excellent support.
Local to Northamptonshire:
· Child and Adolescent Bereavement Northampton Child and Adult Bereavement Services (CABS)
3. Re frame your core beliefs
Loss can shape the way you view the world. If you believe, “Everyone leaves me,” or “I have to be perfect to be loved,” therapy and self-reflection can help you rewrite these narratives.
4. Build secure relationships
Strengthening emotional connections can help counteract childhood fears of abandonment. Work on:
· Open communication in relationships.
· Setting and respecting boundaries.
· Allowing yourself to trust others gradually.
5. Express your grief
· Find ways to honour and express the grief you may have suppressed as a child, such as:
· Writing letters to your younger self.
· Creating art, music, or journaling.
· Participating in grief support groups.
6. Practice self-compassion
Grief is a lifelong journey. Allow yourself to feel and heal at your own pace, without judgment.
Final Thoughts
Childhood grief can shape adulthood in many ways, but it doesn’t have to define your future. By acknowledging past pain and taking steps toward healing, you can break free from unconscious patterns and build a life of emotional resilience and deeper connections. If you or someone you know is struggling with unresolved grief, seeking support can be a powerful first step toward healing.
References:
· Co-op 2018 Silence is deadly: Biggest ever survey sees 30,000 Brits tackle death taboo - Co-op Making Peace with Death Report (You Gov) Accessed 7/03/25
· Winston’s Wish Winston's Wish - Bereavement Support for Children
· Child and Adolescent Bereavement Northampton Child and Adult Bereavement Services (CABS)
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